Truly sad.

I consider it a priceless lesson. Live your life from a deep place of personal love. Not for others.

Well, it’s been just about a week since I decided to start ‘religiously’ tracking my calories, everything I eat, and I feel pretty good. About mid-week I felt very tired and run down, and CONSTANTLY hungry – but I wonder now if maybe that was my body adjusting to the deficit of 500+ calories a day?

Since then, I have caught up on sleep, and have been outside to exercise 3 times, and have made sure to eat enough protein, and I don’t feel constantly under-satiated anymore (or hungry). I have been drinking lots of water, though that’s harder during the work week…for some reason.

A note about cutting out alcohol, particularly beer: I have found when I don’t have a beer with dinner, I don’t have that bloaty-gassy feeling, which is great! So that is becoming my number one reason to not have a beer lately. And it should be noted: beer (microbrew IPAs, especially) have been my #1 hard thing to omit from my diet, but I’ve done it for a week now…and I think I feel clearer and cleaner, because of it.

I honestly think it has something to do with sugars, and yeast, and my stomach’s dislike of such…but I really don’t have the knowledge or background in this subject to prove my point. Not now, anyway.

I am not going to comment on weight loss, as that is something I need to measure by weeks, not by days, and maybe even by months, as my body seems to love the weight I’m at now. But, I think it could just be a matter of re-calibration.

A beautiful sunset reflection: the Columbia River Gorge (Summer, 2011)

This morning I woke up and got out of bed much earlier than I’m accustomed to. I got up, and groggily drank the coffee my kind husband had prepared for me, out of the well-insulated to-go cup he had set out on the counter. As I sipped, and came to, I began reading the Jan. 3 entry in The Book of Awakening, by Mark Nepo. It was the passage entitled, “Unlearning Back to God.”

I read the words on the page, and drank it in, along with my delicious cup of hot coffee. It was a good way to wake up – as I pondered the beauty that is life – and waited for the sun to rise. I won’t spoil it for you by sharing too much of what I read this morning, but I will share my personal thoughts, which I penned before facing the day:

Starting fresh — embracing the morning — thankful for each new day and the opportunity it affords me to live life and find happiness; to have another chance to grow and change, and be the precious human, I AM. Finding that “…unencumbered spot…the spot of grace that issues peace” (The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo, 2000).

This morning, as I have been watching Oprah’s shows on weight loss, I see many examples of very overweight to morbidly obese people who lost 50-550 pounds, and I am reminded that I do not have the same problems these people had. I do not have a problem with extreme overeating, or binge-eating, or overindulgence in alcohol, sweets, fats, and really bad junk food. No, I just have a few relatively simple problems to overcome.

I am thankful that I have a very manageable situation – related to my weight loss goals. Unlike those who have to overcome amazing obstacles, and much more weight, I only have a few points to focus on:

1. I do not exercise enough, and therefore do not burn enough calories per day. (This includes strength training).
2. I do not eat enough raw fruits and vegetables and whole foods each day, therefore I am not getting proper nutrition.
3. I admittedly drink too much beer (even though “too much” is really 2-3 bottles or pints a week, it is still “too much” for me, especially given my lack of exercise), and this usually takes place on Friday nights after work, and over the weekends. (This act alone adds 200-400+ calories a week, which throws me over my weekly calorie limit for weight loss).
4. I do not drink enough water (the recommended 8 glasses a day).

So there are really only a few points I need to focus on. And these are not overwhelming to me. I can manage these! I most certainly can.

I think it really is the simple things in life that can make — or break you. (Emphasis on “make”!) With that in mind, I will continue on my simple, healthy path and keep doing these few, simple things:

1. Continue to exercise every day, if possible, or at least 5 times a week.
2. Buy more fresh produce – and eat it daily.
3. Stop drinking beer during the week, if at all, and for one month completely stop, and then after that – drink a beer only on special occasions. (It doesn’t need to be a beverage at every meal; that just adds useless, empty calories!)
4. Drink water whenever I think of it, and track it on my SparkPeople iPhone app (very handy).

*Just to share a quick “a-ha” moment I had today: I realized that the New Year is the perfect time to start doing something you’ve been meaning to do – because it’s a group mind opportunity! Everyone is on the same page, and so they are all ready to start fresh. And they’re willing to let YOU start fresh, too! Always been late to work? Well begin anew in the new year, arriving on time, and everyone will forgive you, and forget that you were always late the previous year! Re-set! Re-set! Re-set! But remember, you only have this one chance to have everyone’s full acceptance and forgiveness. Until next year.

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Jan. 1, 2012

I am working on creating a sub-blog, or sub-domain for this project, and in the process, I am managing to really stress myself out. I now realize I went about it all wrong, and am suffering from a bit of anxiety – from not knowing what I’m doing. (That is my biggest source of anxiety: not knowing or not feeling like I understand.) So…I am going to take a break from trying to figure it out – and walk away for a few hours. I certainly do NOT want my first day in 2012 to feel like this…a sickness in my belly and a heart that is racing. Nope. Not good. I only hope those who were kind enough to follow my blog are still following me – and I can figure out this domain and subdomain mapping thing, and get it all cleared up soon.

Off to read my first day’s reading in The Book of Awakening. Maybe that will chill me out…

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This whole experience is showing me how little I understand about managing a blog/site/domain!!  Aack! Not the best way to start my year. I am freaking out a little inside. I need to go on a walk…and step away from the technical stuff I admit I do not know enough about.

This is the epitome of what I do to trouble myself: I start with a good, simple idea that soon explodes into a very complicated, distressing problem. :-\  I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack, and throw up, all at the same time.

This is supposed to be FUN…not more work.

[A day later footnote: I was trying to manage my site while dealing with a nasty headache...and...um...a slight hangover from New Year's Eve - so I should have cut myself some slack!]

It feels like I’m due for a confession or something, for I have committed the cardinal sin of the blogging community, by not blogging regularly enough. Some say a good blogger will blog once a day; some say, once a week; but nearly all will say, you definitely need to blog on a regular schedule, so as to keep readers interested. (Makes sense.)

So far, this is my greatest blogging challenge: consistency. (But wait. I think that’s my all-time greatest challenge…in life.) Yeah. Well. As in the large things, so in small. Or however that scripture goes. (Bible readers: if you know which scripture I’m referring to here, please refresh my memory?)

So that brings me to my most grandiose statement of the year: I think I shall try to…*dum-dum-dum*…do a variation on my Project 365: Photo project in true written blog style. That’s right. I think I will commit to writing some kind of blog once — a — day. Oh my. It’s scary to even type the letters on my keyboard for that one.

For my 365 Days of Blogging, I could:

1. Follow along in my new, as yet unread, book The Book of Awakening, which I came across by watching Oprah (my “guru”), and write my brief reflections on the daily readings.
2. Follow in the footsteps of author Gretchen Rubin, whose book The Happiness Project I am reading right now, and do a sort of scaled-down happiness project of my own. (OK. This will take some quick planning — as I don’t  have much time before the New Year!)
3. Do a gratitude journal of sorts, recording and commenting on what I am most grateful for, each day. (I most recently heard about his idea while, again, I was watching Oprah, on a Sunday, as she and Elizabeth Gilbert, another “guru” of mine, were talking about happiness and such.)
4. Simply commit to writing a brief account of what I’m thinking of, working on, experiencing each and every day, of 2012. I can let myself be fast and loose – and just see what happens, committing to a minimal blog, say 2-3 paragraphs a day. Or maybe even lift all restrictions and order completely, and tell myself simply: just write something each day. (So, a poem, a haiku, even a few syllables, would suffice. But, to be honest with who I am – I bet I’ll find it more difficult to stick to a few words than go for a few paragraphs, a day).

The goals of this project would be for me to: get more comfortable writing regularly, and thus improve my writing ability (this is what I would hope for, anyway); get through some inner issues I have been working on (the ones suitable for a public audience, that is); attain consistency in something meaningful to me; and to have another healthy habit in my life – something that brings me joy and fulfilment. (Those are great goals, yes?)

To supplement these lofty goals, I will, of course, also be doing my Project 365: Photos, as started in June 2011, as well as trying lose weight and get in better shape. The latter will give me plenty to reflect on, in conjunction with my possible Project 365 Days of Blogging topics. 

So in typical blog rhetoric: what are some of your 2012 resolutions?? Please, dish!

I noticed a distinctly ’off’ feeling immediately after Thanksgiving day. Now, Thanksgiving is all about being thankful for what you have, especially in the way of family, friends, love – the more meaningful, oftentimes intangible, gifts of life. We spend this wonderful day with our loved ones, just soaking in the good vibes of thankfulness, and the very next day…we are BOMBARDED with “Black Friday.” A day I feel has a dark energy surrounding it, as it’s all about getting as much as you can for as little as you can get it for. And people actually DIE on this day! Trampled over, for the sake of THINGS. It’s truly despicable.

During this time of year, if you watch any television at all, or use the internet, you are at once forced to see how happy getting more and more STUFF will make you. But these commercials disturb me, to tell you the truth. They depict the exact opposite of what yields true happiness. In fact, the commercials I have seen lately are borderline orgiastic is their portrayal of consumerism. I feel like I’m watching porn when a few of them are on. If you’ve seen the few I’m talking about – you’ll know what I mean: people basically piled on top of each other, smothering their faces with all the new stuff they got – oh but it was on sale – and I’m sure the givers felt just as euphoric when they gave out all those precious gifts. (Let’s not kid ourselves. None of that stuff is precious. It’s just more stuff which will probably end up in a Goodwill box within a year’s time).

What’s my point in all of this? It’s not about abstaining from buying altogether. I know at times we really do need new things, such as warm socks for the winter, or even larger items such as that new laptop computer you’ve been saving to buy – or that someone else has been saving to buy for you. I’m just reflecting on the feeling I seem to be having lately — an overpowering urge that I have felt in the last few days — to shop, shop, shop, and typically for the things I do not really need, or that others may not really need.

Yes, I am referring to buying stuff for myself, as well. We know Christmas (or whatever gift-giving holiday you celebrate) is supposed to be about giving to others, out of joy and love, and all that — but I can’t be the only person who ends up buying myself just as many new gifts as I bought for others, or that I intended to buy for others….right? That is another part of the icky feeling I’m talking about, and it is exacerbated by the sense that the group mind is so focused on acquiring more stuff right now – more than any other time of year. It’s palpable, and I think my psyche is overwhelmed by the darkness of it all. It turns the peaceful, loving, thankful vibe of Thanksgiving into what feels like a frantic race to the cheapest stuff we can rip off the shelf  or save in our cyber shopping cart. I want to feel how I felt three days ago, on Thanksgiving, when I was at peace with what I already had, and what I knew everyone else already had.

Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful. — William Morris, “The Beauty of Life”

I am very eager to get through this holiday season, and I hope I can get through it without doing any more compulsive shopping (yes, I admit – I have given in to that icky desire a few times already! – thus this post!). But when I do partake in meaningful, conscious shopping, I only intend to buy close friends and relatives simple things which they will find either useful, or beautiful. That’s all. Nothing cheap, useless, or bought because I felt compelled to. That kind of energy is void and dark, and I don’t think it makes any of us better people. I want — to want less. I want — to have less want — for things. What I really want is — deeper, more spiritual gifts of the universe, for myself, and for everyone else.

I love this idea. I want to do it!

But then I realized…I am already doing this with my Project 365, where I take a photo a day for a year. This is a photo journal of sorts which I started this summer, on July 21, 2011. I began this project kind of haphazardly, just to see if I could be disciplined enough to do it. But this project soon became something I wanted to be more meaningful, for myself, day by day. After about the 2nd or 3rd photo, I began putting more conscious effort into capturing the best moment of each day — or what would likely end up being a memory I’d reflect happily upon — and now when I look back, it makes me smile to see each photo. I think it has actually contributed to my gratitude for life, and it has helped me be a more happy, content person. Seriously.

I might begin a gratitude or happiness journal someday soon, but I think for now this photo journal brings me both gratitude and happiness, in photos that are worth more than 365  x 1000 words.

Footnote: In doing this project, I find another benefit is that I am developing a more keen eye for composition, and am taking better photos. Usually I take pictures with my iPhone, because it’s always with me, but I’m looking forward to the day when I can invest in a better camera, which I’ve been saving up for over the years.  I feel like this project is kind of my photography ‘bootcamp.’ 

However, I wasn’t sure we had what we needed to make cookies. Our fridge was pretty bare, and our larder had not been stocked lately. And I knew neither of us were leaving the house. But, determined, I took a quick look in our fridge, saw a solitary egg, and figured I just might have enough of what was needed. So — with faith in my heart, and cookies on my mind — I went online to find the perfect recipe.

Remembering a blogger had recently mentioned allrecipes.com on her page, I went there immediately, and found this recipe.

Since I knew I only had that one egg, I scaled it down so that was all I needed. (They have a great calculator tool that adapts the recipe for you when you plug in the number of servings).

Prior to making the cookies, I had read several of the reviews — mostly raving about how terrific this recipe was. And after making the cookies myself, I have to say — I agree with those raves! This IS a great recipe! In one review of this recipe, a woman recommended not using too much flour by not scooping the flour from the bag with the measuring cup, but rather spooning it into the cup, then leveling it off with a knife – careful not to pack it in. She said this would prevent the cookies from turning out too dry or cakey (that makes sense). So, I followed her advice, and it worked perfectly. Great tip!

Along with that one egg, we had JUST the right amount of brown sugar left in the bag. Like, exactly. So, obviously, these cookies were meant to be.

I had to substitute a few things, but these cookies STILL came out pretty darn perfect. I adapted the recipe to yield 12 servings (although it yielded 24…hmmm); I did not have enough real butter, so I used mostly Earth Balance spread margarine instead; and because I had no chocolate chips, I hand-chopped many Dove Dark Chocolate Promises (yes, the small, individually wrapped ones). Unwrapping each chocolate and chopping away was a bit of a pain, but, as I would soon find out, it was well worth it!

I’ve been inspired to…

• Maybe think more seriously about starting a “family” (While I do consider the unity that is my husband and I to be a family, in this context, I mean, of course, having a child, and maybe plural, children…)
• Save money!! (Even though we’re doing “OK” I don’t want to be wasteful – because I truly do believe in the old saying, “Waste not, want not.”)
• Spend more energy on what really matters in life. (And do so without spending more money).
• To get better at photography. (I have a passion I’d like to follow-up on, with a better camera, and some lessons).
• To maintain my blog – and make it something special! (Now that I am done with school – and have a little more time! OK. It’s been a year – but – now I really want to get into something interesting, and fulfilling!)